Nice Knowing You Were Hair

Well, recently, the 5-FU pump is starting to kick me in the ass a little.  I am WAY more tired than I think is fair (stomp), keeping food down is a little more challenging and the best part is this:

I compiled this little happy, hairy tribble yesterday at work.  Yes, the hair has decided that this has been fun and all but it's OUTTA HERE.  So, basically we are counting down the time until I go all J.I. Jane.  There is something fundamentally Freudian about parts of yourself falling off.  It gives you a creepy vibe and that's putting it mildly.  I suppose now we just place bets each night on the amount of hair I can brush out into the sink.  The betting pool is now open, please wear your safety gear and remember, no running.  Pictures will follow of the grand event, hopefully this may boost our ratings :P

Claire came with me to the last pump re-fill.  I love that I actually have something in common with a car now.  BEEP.  I asked her if she was happy that she came and her response was, "Yes, and ewwww."  I'm guessing that watching them pull the needle out of my port and then put another one back in might have been a tad weird but she wanted to know what all the hubbub was about and now she does.  Normally, they don't let children back there, you know, chemo chemicals floating all over the place and we don't want her slipping in a puddle of cisplatin or anything, but they put us off to the side and let her watch.  Really a wonderful group of people over there.

Love you all~

The Universe vs. The Chemoverse

Howdy friends and neighbors.  Been quiet here for a few days as I am adjusting to the changes.  However, I am happy to report that today is the first day I have felt close to "normal" since this all began.  I even worked out doing the P90X2 warm-up with some lunges and push ups.  Now, it was only for about 5 minutes and I was sprawled across the couch afterwards panting and heaving but 5 minutes is 5 minutes, my friends, so yay.

I have discovered something recently that has been a source of comedy.  There are two existences running parallel for me right now: The Regular Universe and The Chemoverse.  In one, things seem to run much as they always have, gravity is the same, physics the same and everyday activities are the same.  However, in this alernate universe called Chemoverse, strange things happen that make no sense at all.  These are the things that make me laugh.

For instance,  in the regular universe, a brunette has a fair amount of landscaping that is required facially.  Plucking and grooming and whatnot.  All the brunette girls out there will know this to be true:  when you try to pluck a hair it's like trying to pull the anchor up on a cruise ship with your bare hands.  That little SOB ain't budging.  But in the Chemoverse, you simply "suggest" that perhaps the hair would be happier not on your face and it comes out with hardly any effort at all.  By the by, this is also the first inclination that I have that my hair probably won't be around much longer.  If the folicles are already of the mindset that they really don't care if facial hair stays or goes, I am guessing it is just a matter of days before the rest of my hair gets the memo and just kind of heaves a collective *sigh* and falls out.

In the Chemoverse, gravity seems to be that of a brown dwarf or some other vastly heavier planet.  Running up the stairs is the same, except the "running" part.   I can actually get up the stairs, but find myself looking longingly at the bed sometimes after I do.  Objects weigh more, not just me, but things like purses, briefcases and my cat.  Bending over to pick them up usually results in some awesome Pink Floyd laser show when I stand back up, minus the music. 

And food.  I know it LOOKS like an ordinary bowl of soup but it tastes like the backside of what I imagine a yak to taste like.  I know it is a CRACKER but it smells like a foot and tastes not much better than one as well.  Garlic, once a love of mine, now smells so strong I can't stand it and if anyone has eaten any, as most of my family loves to do, I can smell it coming out of their pores for days after they've had it. 

I am also suspicious that the Chemoverse has a much different climate than the normal universe.  I am cold even in front of a space heater.  If I could physically engulf the space heater into my body I think I would still be seaching the house for a blanket.  It's COLD in the Chemoverse, people, very cold.  I will be re-visiting this idea many times over the next several months so hopefully it won't be old hat by then.

In other news, I seem to be tolerating this round better than expected.  My white counts, platelet counts and hemoglobins are all still in the high range which means that Jeffery is freaking toast.  I am already noticing less difficulty swallowing and I don't have the pain in my stomach that I did before the treatment began, so this means that the little bugger is on a diet and losing weight.   Also, the oncologist ran a series of blood tests to determine if I still showed positive for that hypercoagulation genetic marker that popped up after my stent was placed in 2010.  Everything came back negative, so I can also tell Coumadin to take a flying leap as well.  NO MORE BLOODTHINNERS can I have a hallelujia?  

Love you all~

Ugh.

I honestly cannot wrap my brain around the transformation that has occurred over the last few days.  In a nutshell, this SUCKS.  I laugh at myself now when I used to worry about working out on a daily basis or if I was stuffed up or had an upset stomach for a few hours.  PHAW!  That is kid's play.  Now it's wondering if a certain smell will send me running to the bathroom, trying to sleep at night with this infernal tube snaking around me and trying to figure out how the hell to get clothes to cover the damned pump that whines at my side 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I'm more tired than I can ever remember being in my whole life.  Not just fatigue where you slump on the couch after a rough day and veg for a bit, but the huge numbing tired that makes it hard to focus your eyes or even lift something.  And it's almost always there.  In the background, thumbing it's nose at me.  I feel hollow like most of me isn't even really there sometimes, like smoke.  It's a tad humiliating.

On the other hand, I think to myself - "If I'm feeling like this, then Jeffrey must be REALLY feeling shitty" and believe me, that makes me feel much better.  I just miss feeling normal I think.  I already look at other people wistfully and wish I was in their shoes, worrying about picking their kids up from school or what to make for dinner instead of riddled with guilt that I'm not giving my daughter enough right now or that dinner is just something that happens at a certain part of the day and I'm no longer on the invite.

I find myself falling asleep a lot, out of the blue and then waking up two hours later and wondering what time it is and what the hell happened.  It's kinda weird to lose track of time like that.  But enough complaining, I suppose I am doing fairly well up against the average patient experience, I have great support and I'm not in my 60's or alone.  I just wish I could develop a quicker learning curve and start assimilating this into my daily routine instead of letting it run my daily routine.  Waiting every morning for a few hours to stabilize before I can get ready is rather irritating and huffing and puffing with fatigue after getting dressed is beginning to make me laugh and then get teary and then laugh again.  I expect there will be many firsts here and many lessons to learn, let's just hope I am smart enough to pick it up quickly.

First Chemo

I had the power port put in yesterday, here is a gruesome picture of that.

PLEASE understand how much I must love everyone following this to post such a horrendous picture of myself, it is truly the best "I love you" I can give you all :)  Now this puppy hurts a bit right after they put it in, it made me walk like a partial hunchback for most of the afternoon.  The good news was that the drugs they gave me stayed in my system for a bit after and I didn't have any pains in my stomach for the WHOLE afternoon which means I was able to EAT FOOD.  Believe me, this was a banner day, I did a small and freakish little dance after lunch.

Now today was the first trial run of this little port and my first round of chemo.  My schedule is actually better than most I think.  I go in this first round and I get all three drugs.  It takes about 5 hours but I tried to be really on my best behavior and then decided that joking and laughing was a lot more fun.

Yes, my shirt has a cowboy on it that says "Chemosabe" - it got a few laughs so I was much pleased.  The Epirubicin, the one that makes my hair fall out in about 14 days (we will LOVE those pics) is also colored a bright red and, consequently, also makes my pee the same color.  Very Christmasy.  Then after the Cisplatin, they put in the pump with the 5-FU.  The 5-FU runs 24 hours a day, 7 days a week from the ugliest piece of medical equipment I have ever seen:

So I have this little bag I have to carry everywhere with me all the time.  It has to hang on a hook when I take a shower, I don't even know how sleeping with the thing will work as it is connected to a tube that runs into the port in my chest.

That is the first week, just one day and all three drugs.  The next week I just go in to have the pump refilled, same with the third week.  Then the fourth week I go in one day and they do all three again.  So really, I am only in there one day a week and only one in three days will be the long day.  So YAY!  Updates will be forthcoming about how good/bad I may feel, they pumped me full of steroids and anti-nausea medication that is supposed to last for about 3 days.  I love you all so much and I have a BIG shout out to Maggie for hanging with me for quite a while and keeping me smiling.  I love you girl.  And as always, my perfect husband who made me laugh a lot, went and got me lunch so I could eat before the nausea kicked in and looked after my every need/want.  I love you Pumpkin.

Hair Cut

Ok, well, I decided that if the drugs I was going to be on for chemo were going to make my hair fall out, I decided to take matters into my own hands and beat it to the punch - so to speak.  So for a recap:

This is what I looked like before - not too bad.  Mind you, I haven't cut anything approaching a length off my hair in about 15 years.  Here is the before picture in the salon:

Here is mah new look, I really like it actually, went with a violet brown color with these awesome little chunky highlights in magenta.

There it is, that little shit thinks he's taking my hair?  Well, he don't have the style and color sense I have and at least I got over 16 inches out of his grubby paws and into the hands of Locks of Love.
Next up is first day of chemo - ugh.