Ugh.

I honestly cannot wrap my brain around the transformation that has occurred over the last few days.  In a nutshell, this SUCKS.  I laugh at myself now when I used to worry about working out on a daily basis or if I was stuffed up or had an upset stomach for a few hours.  PHAW!  That is kid's play.  Now it's wondering if a certain smell will send me running to the bathroom, trying to sleep at night with this infernal tube snaking around me and trying to figure out how the hell to get clothes to cover the damned pump that whines at my side 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

I'm more tired than I can ever remember being in my whole life.  Not just fatigue where you slump on the couch after a rough day and veg for a bit, but the huge numbing tired that makes it hard to focus your eyes or even lift something.  And it's almost always there.  In the background, thumbing it's nose at me.  I feel hollow like most of me isn't even really there sometimes, like smoke.  It's a tad humiliating.

On the other hand, I think to myself - "If I'm feeling like this, then Jeffrey must be REALLY feeling shitty" and believe me, that makes me feel much better.  I just miss feeling normal I think.  I already look at other people wistfully and wish I was in their shoes, worrying about picking their kids up from school or what to make for dinner instead of riddled with guilt that I'm not giving my daughter enough right now or that dinner is just something that happens at a certain part of the day and I'm no longer on the invite.

I find myself falling asleep a lot, out of the blue and then waking up two hours later and wondering what time it is and what the hell happened.  It's kinda weird to lose track of time like that.  But enough complaining, I suppose I am doing fairly well up against the average patient experience, I have great support and I'm not in my 60's or alone.  I just wish I could develop a quicker learning curve and start assimilating this into my daily routine instead of letting it run my daily routine.  Waiting every morning for a few hours to stabilize before I can get ready is rather irritating and huffing and puffing with fatigue after getting dressed is beginning to make me laugh and then get teary and then laugh again.  I expect there will be many firsts here and many lessons to learn, let's just hope I am smart enough to pick it up quickly.